good days. bad days.

i don't have to control my thoughts. i just have to stop letting my thoughts control me. today was particularly MEH. one day i feel like superwoman, the next i feel like the biggest fuck up i know. regardless if either of those standings are true, they are still my feelings. when i'm having good days, i'm mostly proud of myself for how far i've come since i left new york. but when i'm having bad days, holy shit do the wheels in my head start turning. i fucked up my education, and now i need to work extra hard to get back what i've lost. i've lost a lot of friends, but fuck 'em, they don't deserve the real me if they can't stand strong with the weak me. i've made horrible financial decisions; my credit line = epic mother mary of fail. i had a nice car; now i have my 2 feet, and my 2 short legs. on my good days i'm grateful that i have a job, but on my bad days i'm just all "holy shit, my paycheck freakin blowssss!".  i still have a very hard time admitting to the things i've done during active addiction. they are very shameful. so, i'm not quite ready to advertise them on the internet, but i will say that they haunt me relentlessly, especially on my bad days. i hate my bad days. i even get down on myself for being down on myself. i know i should be gratified but it's hard for me to forget how badly i disrupted my life. before this MESS that i created, i had so much going for me. i had an almost 4.0GPA, i was an amazing athlete, i had a very good head on my shoulders. it's hard to live a certain way and then downgrade and be completely content. and then on top of that, sit around and think of how your life would be different if you should'a, would'a, could'a. those 3 words are all a bunch of bitches i'd like to kick to the curb. so the million dollar question is.... "HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE?!" it certainly didn't happen over night. i did not wake up one more morning and say to myself "hey, you know what? i think i'm gonna cause some class A down and dirty pandemonium on my life, fuckin right doggy." no, that didn't happen. it was more like a mild dust storm that picked up into a violent windstorm that turned into a level 3 tornado that tore a couple rooftops off and the next thing you know i'm pushing dorthy into a level 5 all the while trying to stay alive (twister reference in case you didn't catch that). i guess i just can't seem to find a happy medium. instead of being extraordinarily high on life or extraordinarily down on life, i'd really like to find a balance somewhere in between. that way i never expect too much, or too little. i'd just go through my days rollin' with the punches. maybe the answer is that i need to start going to more meetings, start surrounding myself with more people like me. i do live with a very good friend of mine who has been there for me more than i could have ever wished for, but i still spend a lot of time alone. i know that it isn't healthy, and i know i need to get out there and go do super sober things with super sober people. apparently super sober dogs don't count as super sober company, although if given the option i'd probably beg to differ that notion. so here i am 7 hours from home, sober, healthy, not alone, but alone. i moved to michigan in early july to get clean, and it's been really good for me. i got clean. i got my ass a job to roll in the benjamins. i have relationships with my family members again, some better than others. i've learned who my real friends are. you'd think i'd be satisfied, right? but that's the problem. addicts are never satisfied. we always want MORE. i have no family here - i want my damn family. i don't know any sober support here (partially due to my laziness and not reaching out, but without a car it makes things more difficult... yeah yeah i know, excuses excuses), i don't want to surround myself with just 1 friend - i want ALL of my friends with me at ALL times. i guess i have an issue with codependency as well. whatever, comes with the territory. i know i'm certainly not rowin down the river alone in that boat. but anyways, today sucked. lots of negativity went through my head. and now my task for the evening is to shake that vibe and change my state. a little umphrey's mcgee bumpin through my speakers right now is helping, and guess who gets to go get down to the UM this sunday?! THIS LITTLE MAMA! and just like that, my state has changed. cause i went from negative to positive and it's all good - and if ya don't know, now ya knowww...!