coping with emotions.

Addicts don't just use drugs because they like the effects of them, they use them to cope with emotional and mental disorders that have swallowed them so deeply that they know no other way to escape.  However the satisfaction from chemical substances is only a temporary relief.  In fact, with or without realizing it, drugs only dig a deeper hole.  The hardest part of recovery hasn't been to get off drugs, to get a job, to get into school - the hardest part has been to cope with emotions without the use of drugs and to regain interest in things and activities that once made me happy before drugs took control of my life.  Recently I have made decisions that I did not want to make, but knew that they were the right decisions to make.  It isn't easy to ignore the ignorant, insensitive and just plain stupid comments that I get from people.  Then again, I have to remind myself that they just don't get it.  I am making these decisions to better my life; to grow the hell up; and to achieve the goals I set for myself years back.  When I was 15 years old I never expected to be where I am now.  Honestly, 15 year old me would be disgusted with 25 year old me.  One thing I have learned is that I don't always have to be everywhere I want to be and do everything that I want to do in order to be happy.  When someone tells me that I'm missing out, chances are I'm not missing out - because a month from now it will be forgotten, life will have moved on, and there's always next time.  I have grown to understand that I need to weed out the people in my life that make me feel bad and bring me down, whether they do it intentionally or unintentionally.  If they aren't on team Hannah, they can get the fuck out.  Anybody who makes me question my decisions to better my life will no longer be a part of my life - it's that simple.  I feel sorry for the person who tries to make any recovering addict feel bad for deciding to skip out on a drug infested party weekend.  Does that person honestly think that I don't know what kind of fun I'm going to be missing? Hello, that life used to BE my life and chances are I have partied harder than that person ever could even if they tried with everything they have inside of them.  I am well aware of what fun is and how to have it, so thank you for your reminder but you can politely shove it up your ass.  I don't think I've become "lame", "boring" or whatever else opinions have been made of my recent self, but I do think I've become responsible, matured, and self sufficient.  The choices I made in my past landed me where I am today, and repeating the same mistakes more than once makes me a fool.  I have been a fool for a very long time, so now I am trying something different.  Of course I want to be in Philadelphia this weekend raging with friends and my favorite band, but the consequences of that could cause for a major set back in my life, once again.  I know that may seem extreme, but given the fragile and vulnerable state that I am in, that is the truth of the situation.  There will be hundreds of other opportunities in my future to have the same fun that I am "missing out on" this weekend, and maybe then I will be in a better position to engage in said activities.  I really should not have to explain myself, but I think it's important for people to understand why myself, and other addicts, make the "strange" choices that we make when we get clean.  To be honest, they aren't "strange", they just seem that way because they are so out of our norm.  It isn't because we no longer like to have fun, it's because we are so desperate to build our lives back up that we are not willing to take any chances that may get in the way of that.

By pushing through the bullshit and doing the right thing in just a little over 2 months I have bought myself a brand new car, got accepted into a 4 year nursing program and I have rebuilt relationships with my family.  In 2-3 years when I'm in the midst of buying my own house, building my career, starting a family, and still doing all my beloved extracurricular activities including music festivals, concerts, traveling and skiing  with the financial means to do so I will be sure to remind you of all that you're missing out on.