rest in peace, dougie. i love you.

this is the eulogy i read at my stepfather's funeral held on august 1, 2013. i cried the entire way through it, but i think i was still comprehensible. he LOVED the counting crows, so this one's for him...

"Dougie was the comedian in my life for the past 19 years since he first started dating my mother.  I remember the first time I met him, he came over to my mom's apartment in Grove Drive in Canandaigua and one of the first things he "said" to me was an impression of daffy duck.  That man loved doing cartoon imitations, and he did them so well.  Right off the bat he took sincere interest in me and quickly became a second father to me.  Family came first to Dougie, he always made sure my mom and I were taken care of, and he was close with my Grandma Hodgson too.  He got along well with my father, and that made me feel comfortable around him.  I'll never forget my childhood at Bristol Harbor.  He would always let me sit on his lap and drive down the private road, I remember feeling super cool for those 3-5 minutes that it took to get down to our condo.  He loved the lake and we spent a great deal of time on it as a family; water skiing, tubing, swimming, or just going for a cruise.  I will never forget the small things that he did for my mother and I.  Looking back on everything, the small things added up to a much bigger picture.  If it weren't for Dougie, I would not have been able to do a lot of which I have been blessed to do.  He provided a beautiful home on Fort Hill for my mom and I.  He may not have been the most patient person in the world, but he was patient when it came to my mom's happiness.  It only took her about 6 or 7 years to find a house to live in that met her standards.  But he gave my mom and I a place to call home.  I get knots in my stomach every time they mention selling our house, because it's the only place that I have always been able to go that has stayed stationary in my life.  I have moved around a lot, from the time I was in high school, so to me going home is always something I look forward to.  Dougie's success through hard work and motivation to provide for his family allowed my mother to stay home with me when I was little, so I didn't have to have a babysitter.  I think that is a big reason I am so close with my mom, because we have spent so much time together throughout my life, and I owe a lot of that time together to Dougie.  When my mom decided to go back to work as I got older, Dougie still made sure she had time to take care of her garden and her home, which is her passion.  He helped put me through college, and his passing has motivated me more than ever to go back to school and finish my degree, because I know that's what he would want for me.  Nothing but the best. He took me golfing with him, of course I didn't golf, I just enjoyed driving the cart and eating the food at the club house afterwards.  He took my mom, my Grandparents, my step cousins Cameron and Amanda and myself on camping trips.  The one I remember most, like it was yesterday, is the trip we took to Lake Placid > VT > NH > Maine.  In Lake Placid we jumped off the gorges into water holes - he was fearless - he jumped right off with no hesitation, and even did backflips.  But most importantly, he gave me the last real memory I have of my Grandpa Jack.  It means a lot to me that he included my Grandparents and built a relationship with them.  Throughout my ski racing career, he was almost always at all my nearby races, and the races he couldn't make he always called to check in to see how my results were.  He honestly cared, he was a true gentlemen.  I myself can relate a lot to him, and for that reason I will never judge him, but think of him as my guardian angel guiding me in the right direction.  At the end of the day, he had a heart of gold and was a giant teddy bear that you couldn't help but love.  Any man that ends up as half the man he was is truly blessed.  I will never forget my memories with Dougie and what he has done for my mom and I.  He was a hard worker and tried his best all the time to make sure we were happy.  He put us before himself.  That's the Dougie I will always remember, cherish, and love. This tragedy has taught me a lesson about family and about life.  Family is irreplaceable, you only get one so you better treat them right because they are the people that will always be there for you.  And as for his lesson on life - you never know if tomorrow will come, so you should live each day as if it's your last. If there's something you want to do in your life, don't wait to do it, just do it, and once you've become committed to something - finish it.  Basically what I'm trying to say is don't live life just half way, live it all the way. Don't let your glass be half full or half empty, fill it to the top until it's overflowing.  That's the type of life Dougie always strived to live, and I wish he could have continued to live such a life, but God works in mysterious ways.  I'll never understand why God takes away so many good people far before their time is up, but I do understand that Dougie lived a better life in the 54 years he was alive than most people live throughout the entirety of their natural lifespan.  And for that reason, I will somehow, someway be at peace with his passing.  I love you Dougie, I always have and I always will.  When the Yee makes it up to heaven (which honestly shouldn't be too much longer - he's 119 in human years and he can barely move, breathe, see, hear or control his bowels anymore), make sure you give him yicken, yeak and york yops!;) "

good days. bad days.

i don't have to control my thoughts. i just have to stop letting my thoughts control me. today was particularly MEH. one day i feel like superwoman, the next i feel like the biggest fuck up i know. regardless if either of those standings are true, they are still my feelings. when i'm having good days, i'm mostly proud of myself for how far i've come since i left new york. but when i'm having bad days, holy shit do the wheels in my head start turning. i fucked up my education, and now i need to work extra hard to get back what i've lost. i've lost a lot of friends, but fuck 'em, they don't deserve the real me if they can't stand strong with the weak me. i've made horrible financial decisions; my credit line = epic mother mary of fail. i had a nice car; now i have my 2 feet, and my 2 short legs. on my good days i'm grateful that i have a job, but on my bad days i'm just all "holy shit, my paycheck freakin blowssss!".  i still have a very hard time admitting to the things i've done during active addiction. they are very shameful. so, i'm not quite ready to advertise them on the internet, but i will say that they haunt me relentlessly, especially on my bad days. i hate my bad days. i even get down on myself for being down on myself. i know i should be gratified but it's hard for me to forget how badly i disrupted my life. before this MESS that i created, i had so much going for me. i had an almost 4.0GPA, i was an amazing athlete, i had a very good head on my shoulders. it's hard to live a certain way and then downgrade and be completely content. and then on top of that, sit around and think of how your life would be different if you should'a, would'a, could'a. those 3 words are all a bunch of bitches i'd like to kick to the curb. so the million dollar question is.... "HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE?!" it certainly didn't happen over night. i did not wake up one more morning and say to myself "hey, you know what? i think i'm gonna cause some class A down and dirty pandemonium on my life, fuckin right doggy." no, that didn't happen. it was more like a mild dust storm that picked up into a violent windstorm that turned into a level 3 tornado that tore a couple rooftops off and the next thing you know i'm pushing dorthy into a level 5 all the while trying to stay alive (twister reference in case you didn't catch that). i guess i just can't seem to find a happy medium. instead of being extraordinarily high on life or extraordinarily down on life, i'd really like to find a balance somewhere in between. that way i never expect too much, or too little. i'd just go through my days rollin' with the punches. maybe the answer is that i need to start going to more meetings, start surrounding myself with more people like me. i do live with a very good friend of mine who has been there for me more than i could have ever wished for, but i still spend a lot of time alone. i know that it isn't healthy, and i know i need to get out there and go do super sober things with super sober people. apparently super sober dogs don't count as super sober company, although if given the option i'd probably beg to differ that notion. so here i am 7 hours from home, sober, healthy, not alone, but alone. i moved to michigan in early july to get clean, and it's been really good for me. i got clean. i got my ass a job to roll in the benjamins. i have relationships with my family members again, some better than others. i've learned who my real friends are. you'd think i'd be satisfied, right? but that's the problem. addicts are never satisfied. we always want MORE. i have no family here - i want my damn family. i don't know any sober support here (partially due to my laziness and not reaching out, but without a car it makes things more difficult... yeah yeah i know, excuses excuses), i don't want to surround myself with just 1 friend - i want ALL of my friends with me at ALL times. i guess i have an issue with codependency as well. whatever, comes with the territory. i know i'm certainly not rowin down the river alone in that boat. but anyways, today sucked. lots of negativity went through my head. and now my task for the evening is to shake that vibe and change my state. a little umphrey's mcgee bumpin through my speakers right now is helping, and guess who gets to go get down to the UM this sunday?! THIS LITTLE MAMA! and just like that, my state has changed. cause i went from negative to positive and it's all good - and if ya don't know, now ya knowww...!