irony.

AC2B (click me)
studio version (click me to listen)

taken hours after it was done

well holy shit. maybe i'm psychic, or maybe the world does crumble together when you least expect it. i got these lyrics tattooed on my back well before my addiction became full circle. originally, i decided on these words to be permanently inked on my back because a) it's one of my all time favorite songs by b) one of my all time favorite bands, the disco biscuits. there were no other reasons than just those. but now i look at them, and i'm just like fuckin christ - i should have known then of what my life would become. do you remember when you were little and you would play the telephone game? well, if you do remember, you probably also remember that the last message relayed was never anywhere near what the original message was. that same outcome happens when people talk about what they "know". so many people talk about my life, and the life of others, as if they are in fact the actual person they are speaking of. to put it nicely, fuck off - you don't know my story, or the story of others, you only know your story. everyone is entitled to a copy written version of their autobiography. and faster than i've ever swam, i am doing one hell of a butterfly stroke to the promised land. i've been searching so hard for it that sometimes i forget what i'm searching for, and i need to take a step back and just live in today, even if tomorrow is where i want to go. things have not been what they seem to be, i was a prisoner in my own skin, and now i am free from my worst enemy: myself.  for the first time, my boss saw my tattoo the other day as i was wearing a bareback shirt, and she asked me what the lyrics meant to me. now, i'm obviously not about to get into the nitty-gritty details of my past with my boss, but i did leave an impression with her that they were more than just words scribbled on my back. they are a melody to the beat of my life. i figured that was enough for her to know. i let her run with her imagination. she probably thinks that i am felon, spent a great deal of time in prison, got released from behind bars, ate a lot of acid, and now i am convinced that i am swimming in a sea towards never-never land.

i'm not sure if jon (barber) gutwillig's meaning to the lyrics are anything close to how i have interpreted them and put them into relation to my personal life, but that's the beauty of words - their connection is unique to each individual. i don't even really want to know what the real background is behind the lyrics, because i'm afraid it will ruin my interpretation of them. being that these words are forever established on the entirety of my back, i'd prefer to be satisfied with my own understanding of them.

i'd also like to apologize for posting a studio version of this song, it was the only decent sound quality and full version i could find on youtube. for those with biscuit virgin ears, go listen to some live downloads.

the road to recovery.

ear candy (click me)

it's okay to look back, as long as i don't stare. i'm in the very early stages of my recovery from drug addiction; sometimes i feel so confident that it scares me, because i know that over confidence is merely the key ingredient to destruction. whenever i take control, i lose control. that's how life pans out when you're an addict. i have an allergy to the things that i love most. it's like being 5 years old, being lactose intolerant, and watching all the children at the ice cream parlor lick their soft-serve cones. it's so tempting, but i know it'll make me sick. addiction is no different than being diagnosed with cancer, as it is progressive, there is no cure, and it is deadly if gone untreated. i could just get everyone to shut up and get off my back by saying that my life is perfect now, i feel wonderful, and i'm happier now than i've ever been; but that'd be the biggest lie i've ever told. i struggle just as much now as i did when i was out there, except now i'm struggling to stay clean as opposed to struggling to get my next fix. and how could i only after a month or so of being clean say that i'm as happy as i've ever been? i've had to strip the biggest love i've ever had right out of my life in order to stay alive. imagine your want for air to breathe and multiply that by about 1,000 and you've just experienced a drug addicts want for a high. so no, i'm not as happy as i've ever been. but my life as a whole is better than it was during my time racing on a run, that much i do know. as far as feeling wonderful, i still can't sleep through the night without waking up from nightmares about using and having kicking fits so violent that i sometimes scare my dog to jump off the bed and hide underneath it. i'm not certain of very much, i don't even know for certain that i'll never use again, but the odds are against me. i do know that wherever i go, there i am, so i need to be conscience of that. people, places and things do matter, but they don't make up the whole puzzle. i'll always be an addict, it doesn't matter who i'm with, where i am or the things that i do - there is always that chance that the devil inside of me will throw it's ball and chain back on the ground and pull the weight of me back into hell. during my active addiction i used to pray to God to show me my future, to see if i would ever steer clear of the hell i was living in, but now that i'm clean i've learned that i am the one in control of my future; i can show myself my own future. i'm one of the lucky ones, i've been blessed with a supportive and loving family, top notch treatment, the wealth of caring friends, and a second chance at life. i've heard so many times from so many mouths "you'll stop when you hit rock bottom." that's a bunch of shit. the scariest part about being a drug addict is that we have NO rock bottom. you'll stop when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and who knows how long it'll take for that point to come. during active addiction, death didn't make me flinch, in fact i got just as high from the adrenaline as i did from the actual drug. i would kill or be killed, as long as i was getting satisfied in that moment, whether it be for 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 months. it is a very chaotic life, i don't recommend it to anyone, but active addiction never leaves you bored. that's one of my biggest struggles now, boredom. and it has led me to develop this blog. now that my life is pretty calm and fairly "normal" (as if life were being described by a 'normie' aka a non-addict as us addicts like to call them) i would say that it's also pretty damn boring. i go to work. i walk my dog. i cook dinner. i read a book. i take bath. i go to sleep. i rinse and i repeat. but work leads to HONEST money which leads to fun. walking my dog leads to exercise which leads to good health. cooking dinner leads to nutrition which leads to more good health. a good book leads to my imagination which leads to intellectualism. taking a bath leads to good hygiene which leads to happy roommates. sleep leads to energy which leads to everything that is needed for my recovery. without energy, i would not be able to put 100% effort into this battle that i've signed up for. i'm not going to take the easy way out, i'm going to become the best me i can possibly be, just for today. but easy does it...