getting back on your feet.

it's all fun and games, until you stop getting high. then you actually have to DEAL with reality. bullshit, right? i'm still waiting to see this light that "they" speak of. i knew it wasn't going to be easy, and i knew it wasn't going to be quick, but holy christ on a cracker... my life is being shipped to me via snail mail. i have a job, i'm doing the right thing, so why don't i have a car yet? why is it taking SO LONG for this process to happen? i applied to nursing school as a READMISSION student, so why is it taking SO LONG to hear back from them? i've already been accepted once, my transcripts haven't changed, so what's the hold up? seems like a pretty easy decision to me; "LET HER IN!!" i need things to start going my way. i need reassurance that all this "right-doing" is worth it and that all my hard work is going to pay off. because if it's not, then what's the point? i'm sure this sounds selfish of me, but recovery is all about being selfish, so this is me being selfish. i can only do so many right things without being rewarded before i'm going to throw my hands in the air and come to a halt. i need to see at least one life present wrapped in sparkly paper with a giant bow on it before i continue on with this life altering journey. that's human nature though, i think? don't most people do the right thing so good things come their way and in the process they feel good about themselves because they are doing right to others? it's called karma. karma has bit me in the ass for a long time and rightfully so, but now i'm doing what i "should be" doing and i'm demanding my ass back. i don't want to hear any bullshit about good things come to those who wait. waiting only puts people in the back of the line. i am budging the line; survival of the damn fittest. i don't take tickets and i don't wait in lines.